JOKES, JOKES, JOKES

Posted by: zjeddy on: January 28, 2012

• In: E-books | General | Stories
• 3 Comments

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read ‘BEST DEALS.’
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading ‘LOWEST PRICES.’
The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read ‘MAIN ENTRANCE’.
A party of economists was climbing in the Alps. After several hours they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass, and finally the sun. Finally he said, ‘ OK see that big mountain over there?’ ‘Yes’, answered the others eagerly. ‘Well, according to the map, we’re standing on top of it.’
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A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, “Mr. Carelton, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile. “Thank goodness,” returned Mr. Carelton, with a giant grin on his face, “I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash.”
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A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth. “Oh, about $200 today,” said the rancher. “But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I’m out. ” The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer. “Here,” he said, “is the check for $900. It’s postdated six years from now”
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A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome.
The employer read all his applications and said, “We have an opening for people like you. “Oh, great,” he said, “What is it? “It’s called the door!”
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A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Stopping to rest, he tells the shepherd, “I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock. “The shepherd thinks it over. It’s a big flock, so he takes the bet. The man looks around and answers, “869. ” The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. The shepherd says, “Okay, I’m a man of my word, take an animal. ” The man picks one up and begins to walk away. “Wait,” cries the shepherd, “let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation. ” The man agrees. “You are an accountant for the government,” says the shepherd. “Amazing! ” responds the man. “You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that? “Well,” says the shepherd, “put down my dog and I will tell you”
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A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”
The man below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field. “You must work in Technical Support,” says the balloonist.”I do,” replies the man. “How did you know? “Well ” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but completely useless. ”
The man below says: “You must be in management. “I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know? “Well “, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re still in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”
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A friend of mine was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission. Repeated requests for repair brought only promises. After several days, the phone company was again contacted and told that there was no longer a rush. The phone was now working fine–except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call. A repairman arrived within the hour!
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A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him he said, “I forgot my teeth. ”
The man said, “No problem. ” With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. “Try these,” he said.
The speaker tried them. “Too loose,” he said.
The man then said, “I have another pair…try these.”
The speaker tried them and responded, “Too tight.”
The man was not taken back at all. He then said, “I have one more paid of false teeth…try them. ”
The speaker said, “They fit perfectly. ” With that he ate his meal and gave his address.
After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.”I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I’ve been looking for a good dentist. ”
The man replied, “I’m not a dentist. I’m the local undertaker.”
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A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money.
By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt. The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man’s hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church. The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, “And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention…. ”
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, “Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated. “And what,” his friend asked, “do you want me to do with your ashes? “The businessman said, “Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, “Now, you have everything.”
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“I’m not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance… she leaned over and pushed me.”
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A blonde and a brunette are taking a walk, and the brunette goes, “Oh look, a dead bird,” and the blonde looks up at the sky and goes, “Where? ”
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It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who decided to go to Miami Beach for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter. The airlines have crazy frequent flyer rules, and the wife ended up on a flight the day after her husband. The husband made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an email. Unfortunately, he didn’t notice he had misspelled his wife’s email address In South Carolina, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband, a Methodist pastor of many years, who had been called to glory just a few days earlier. She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first email, she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor. The woman’s son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email message: To My Loving Wife: I’ve just been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Your Devoted Husband. P. S. Sure is hot down here.
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A Duck walks into a bar.
Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: No, sorry, we don’t have any bread[After a few minutes]
Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: Look, we don’t have any bread[In a little while]
Duck: You got any bread?
Barman: We don’t have any F*****g bread![Some time later]
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: If you ask me if I’ve got any F*****g bread once more I’m gonna nail your F*****g bill to this bar……
Duck: You got any nails?
Barman: NO!
Duck: You got any bread?
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80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a “Blondes Are Not Stupid Convention”. The leader says, “We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?” A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, “What is 15 plus 15? ” After 20 seconds she says, “Eighteen!” Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, “Give her another chance! Give her another chance!” The leader says, “Well since we’ve gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance.” So he asks, “What is 5 plus 5?” After 30 seconds she eventually says, “Ninety?” The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh — everyone is disheartened — the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, “GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!” The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, “Ok! Ok! Just one more chance — What is 2 plus 2?” The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, “Four?” Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream… “GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!”
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Customer: Waiter, do you serve pigs?
Waiter: Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.
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Lady: Is this my train?
Station Master: No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady: Don’t try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.
Station Master: No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy.
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An elderly man, thinking his wife was losing her hearing, went about 20 feet behind her and asked “Can you hear me sweetheart?” No reply. He moved to 10 feet and inquired again. No reply.
5 feet and not a word.
A few inches behind ear, he asked “Can you hear me now honey?”
His wife said “For the fourth time, yes.”
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Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I’m under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, didn’t I, you stupid fool!!
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“ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY”
“So what? Who’s in a hurry?”
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A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”
The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will, in a minute.”
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Form Feed Insurance form question and answer about a recent accident:
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: I could have traveled by bus.
A man collided with a cow and completed the requested form as follows:
Q: What warning did you give the other party before the collision?
A: Horn
Q: What warning was given by the other party?
A: Moo
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A man out for a walk came across a little boy pulling his cat’s tail.
‘Hey you!’ he shouted, ‘don’t pull the cat’s tail!’
“I’m not pulling!’ replied the little boy. ‘I’m only holding on – the cat’s pulling!’
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A naughty child was irritating all the passengers on the flight from London to New York. At last one man could stand it no longer. “Hey kid,” he shouted. “Why don’t you go outside and play?”
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A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy: “So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?”
The little boy replied, “Thank God he’s in bed!”
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A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair. “Don’t be angry,” the Mother says, “Your little sister doesn’t realize that pulling hair hurts.”
A short while later, there’s more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate. This time the sister is bawling and her brother says… “Now she knows”
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A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: “Da-ad…”
“What?”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?”
“No. You had your chance.” Lights out.
“Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad…”
“WHAT?”
“I’m THIRSTY… Can I have a drink of water?”
“I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!!” Five minutes later…
“Daaaa-aaaad…”
“WHAT??!!”
“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?”
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A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to Little Johnny. So she said , “If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?” “Somebody else’s pants” said the Little Johnny.
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After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided I’m going to be a minister when I grow up.
“That’s okay with us,” the mother said, “But what made you decide to be a minister? ” “Well,” the boy replied, “I’ll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen.”
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After having quadruplets, the mother named them… Adolph, Rudolph, Getoff, and Stayoff.
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A man is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy’s efforts for some time, the man moves closer to the boy’s position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child’s level, the man smiles benevolently and asks, “And now what, my little man?”
The boy replies, “Now we run!”
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A housewife was cutting vegetables for cooking the afternoon meal. When she sliced a potato out jumped a genie. He bent low and said “Madam I am at your service. Give any order for me to comply.”
The lady was overjoyed with her good for tune.
“Give me,” she said. “A ten bedroom mansion built on a twenty acre property.”
“Heh! Heh! Heh!” said the genie. “If I could give you a ten bedroom house built on a twenty acre property why would I myself live inside a measly potato?”
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As a little girl climbed onto Santa’s lap. Santa asked the usual, “And what would you like for Christmas?”
The child stared at him open-mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: “Didn’t you get my E-mail?”
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For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9AM on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9am passed without Johnson’s arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, “I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself.”
And the boss said, “And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?”
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A family of tortoises went into a cafe for some ice cream. They sat down and were about to start when Father Tortoise said, “I think it’s going to rain. Junior, will you pop home and fetch my umbrella?” So off went junior for Father’s umbrella, but three days later he still hadn’t returned.
“I think, dear,” said Mother Tortoise to Father Tortoise, “that we had better eat junior’s ice cream before it melts.”
And a voice from the door said, “If you do that I won’t go”
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“I was in a very generous mood today,” a woman says to her friend.”I gave $25 to a man in need.”
“Thats a lot of money to give away,” says her friend. “What did your husband say?”
He said, ‘Thank you.’
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On a special teacher’s day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist’s son handed her a gift. She shocked it, held it over her head, and said, “I bet I know what it is – flowers! “That’s right! ” said the boy, “but how did you know? “Just a wild guess,” she said.
The next pupil was the candy store owner’s daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shocked it, and said, “I bet I can guess what it is – a box of candy! “That’s right! But how did you know? ” asked the girl.”Just a lucky guess,” said the teacher.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner’s son. The teacher held the bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. “Is it wine? ” she asked.”No,” the boy replied.
The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. “Is it champagne? ” she asked.”No,” the boy replied.
The teacher then said, “I give up, what is it? ”
The boy replied, “A puppy!”
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Wife to husband
Yo Momma is so ugly that she scares blind people!
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This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when she heard a voice from above “You will live to be 100. “She looked around and didn’t see anyone. Again she heard “You will live to be 100.” Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of St. Peter! I’ve got 40 more years to live! So off she went to the plastic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe. When she left the plastic surgeon’s office, she got hit by a bus, died, and went up to heaven. She said to St. Peter “You told me I would live to be 100. I was supposed to have had 40 more years. So how come you let the bus kill me? “. Peter said: “I didn’t recognize you.”
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When I was a kid I used to pray for a new bike. But then I realized that the lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me!
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From Reader’s Digest, June 1992:I grew up in a non-musical family; only one of our five siblings can even carry a tune. So, I’ve restricted my singing to private places like the bathtub or the car. But one night, I softly sang a lullaby to my nine-month-old baby. After the first verse, he sweetly looked into my eyes, removed the pacifier from his mouth and placed it in mine.
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The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight.
They’d have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. “When the day came for th e fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. “When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. ‘We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. ” “That’s nothing “, an American replied. “We had our best plastic surgeons worki ng for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.'”
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Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and said, “Are you crazy? You’ll never be able to outrun that bear! “I don’t have to,” the first lawyer replied. “I only have to outrun you. ”
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A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a Coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks.
Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go.
The blonde turns around and shouts, “Can’t you see I’m winning!”
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A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city’s major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place. “Yes? ” “Excuse me, sir,” the jogger said, “do you have the time? ” The man looked at the car clock and answered, “8:15”. The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger. “Excuse me, sir, do you have the time? ” “8:25! ”
The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, “I do not know the time! ” Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window. “Sir, sir? It’s 8:45!. ”
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‘Mum,’ yelled Johnny from the kitchen, ‘you know that dish you were always worried that I would break ?’Yes dear, what about it?’Well your worries are over.’
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A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse’s tail and our friend was stuck again. The neighbor suggested she notch the ear off one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn’t tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.
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One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever. The diver went below another 20 ft, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote, “How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without equipment? “The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote -“I’M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!! ”
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Son: Is it true Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries?
Dad: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!
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A blonde began a job as an Junior school counselor, and she was eager to help. One day during break she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other. Sandy approached and asked if he was alright. The boy said he was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself. Approaching again, Sandy said,
“Would you like me to be your friend?”
The boy hesitated, then said, “Okay”, looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked
“Why are you standing here all alone? Why don’t you go and join those boys playing football over there?”
“Because,” the little boy said with great exasperation, “I’m the bloody goalie.”
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A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he’s afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can’t climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can’t hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy’s chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.”So,” says the little guy, “are you feeling better now?”

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Little Johnny sat playing in the garden. When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm. She turned pale. “No, Johnny! Stop! That’s horrible! You can’t eat worms!” Trying to convince him further, “Now the mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby-worm.” She said. “No, she isn’t,” said Johnny. “Why not?” “Because I ate her first!”
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A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial–a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.” The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney? ” She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.” At this point the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!”
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A boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello? “Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to the youngster, the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home? “Yes,” whispered the small voice. “May I talk with him? ” the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No. “Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there? “Yes,” came the answer. “May I talk with her? “Again the small voice whispered, “No. “Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. “Is there anyone there besides you? ” the boss asked the child. “Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman. “Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman? “No, he’s busy,” whispered the child. “Busy doing what? ” asked the boss. “Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise? “A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice. “What is going on there? ” asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice, the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper. “Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, “What are they searching for? “Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, “Me. ”
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There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. Just like they did every day. Abe turned to Sol and asked, “Do you think there’s baseball in heaven? ” Solomon thought about it for a minute and replied, “I dunno, Abe, but let’s make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you — and if you die first, you come back and tell me –if there is baseball in heaven. ” They shook on it. Sadly, a few months later poor Abe passed on. One day soon afterward, Sol was sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he heard a voice whisper, “Sol… Sol…. ” Sol responded, “Abe! Is that you? ” “Yes it is Sol,” whispered the spirit of Abe. Sol, still amazed, asked, “So, is there baseball in heaven? ” “Well,” Abe said, “I got good news and I got bad news. ” “Gimme the good news first,” said Sol. Abe said, “Well… there is baseball in heaven. ” Sol said, “That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!? ” Abe sighed and whispered, “You’re pitching on Friday. ”
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Shakey went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. “you gotta help me, I’m going crazy! ” “Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears. ” “How much do you charge? ” “A hundred dollars per visit. ” “I’ll sleep on it,” said Shakey. Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. “Why didn’t you ever come to see me again? ” asked the psychiatrist. “For a hundred buck’s a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars. ” “Is that so! How? ” “He told me to cut the legs off the bed! ”
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This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995. Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
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A blonde walks into an electronics store and points to something behind the clerk. “How much is that television set? ” she asks. “Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” the clerk said. So, the girl walks out. The next day, she returns wearing a brown wig. She again approaches the clerk and asks “How much is that television set behind you? “The clerk replies, “Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes. “Again, the girl walks out. She again tries the next day, this time wearing a red wig. She goes up to the clerk and asks “How much is that television set behind you? ” The clerk again replies, “We don’t sell to blondes! “Well, the girl was kind of suspicious. She asks carefully, “How do you know I’m a blond? “The clerk looks at the girl and says… “Because that’s not a television, it’s a microwave! ”
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A lawyer a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, all friends, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said, “There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep; one of you must sleep in the barn. “No problem,” said the Rabbi. “My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening. “With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door. The farmer opened the door, and there stood the Rabbi from the barn. “What’s wrong?” asked the farmer. He replied, “I am grateful to you, but I can’t sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal.” His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene occurs. There is a knock on the door. “What’s wrong, now?” the farmer asked. The Hindu holy man replies, “I too am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn and in my religion cows are considered sacred. I can’t sleep on holy ground!” That left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer’s door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.
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A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, “In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they? ll have something to spend over there. “They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.”
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A friend of mine told me he had signed up with one of these on-line dating services. I asked him the other day if he had had any luck and he said he’d quit — seems they’d matched him up with his wife.
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A local business was looking for office help.
They put a sign in the window, stating the following: “HELP WANTED.
Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer. ”
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside.
He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type. ”
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer. ”
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can’t give you the job. ”
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, “Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual “.
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said “Meow “.”
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Chase is very pleased to announce that we are installing new Drive-thru ATMs where customers will be able withdraw cash without leaving their vehicle. (Other accounts can also utilize this facility) Male and Female procedures have been tailored to best reflect the behaviors of those particular groupings.
PROCEDURE FOR MALE CUSTOMERS:
1. Drive up to the ATM
2. Open the car window
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN 4. Enter amount of cash required and press “enter ”
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6. Close window
7. Drive away PROCEDURE FOR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:
1. Drive up to the ATM
2. Reverse back the required distance to align car with ATM 3. Re-start stalled engine 4. Open the car window 5. Find handbag, empty all contents onto the passenger seat and locate card 6. Turn radio down 7. Attempt to insert card into ATM 8. Open car door to allow easier access to ATM due to excessive distance between car and ATM 9. Insert card 10. Re-insert card the right way up 11. Ignore the sound of car horn from vehicle behind 12. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate diary with PIN written on the inside back page under “Date of Birth ”
13. Enter PIN
14. Press “cancel ” and re-enter PIN
15. Enter amount of cash required and check make-up in rearview mirror 16. Drum fingertips on steering wheel for one minute, then look at ATM and press “enter ”
17. Retrieve cash and receipt
18. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate purse and place cash inside 19. Place receipt in back of cheque book 20. Re-check make-up 21. Drive forward two meters 22. Reverse back to ATM ignoring the sound of car horn from vehicle behind 23. Retrieve card 24. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate card holder and place card in an empty slot 25. Drive two or three kilometers 26. Release hand brake”
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Man walks into a supermarket and buys:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner.
The girl at the checkout looks at him and says “Single are you?”
The man replies very sarcastically “How did you guess?”
She replies “Because you’re ugly.”
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A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she’s smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she’s laughing. He’s really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she’s laughing so hard, she’s about to fall down. He demands, “What’s so funny? ” She says, “Every time you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle!”
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“Get this. ” said the bloke to his mates, “Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.”Did he get anything. ” his mates asked.”yeah, a broken jaw and six teeth knocked out. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk.”
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A blonde goes to a doctor and tells him that both her ears are burnt. ‘Sit down and tell me how it happened,’ said the doctor.’Well, I was ironing my clothes when I received a phone call, and instead of picking the phone, I picked up the iron and burnt my ear!’Okay, I see… But that’s one ear – what about the other?’They called again!’
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This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they “oohed and aahed ” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. “It’s free,” Peter replied, “this is Heaven. ” Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, “what are the green fees? “. Peter’s reply, “This is heaven, you play for free. ” Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine’s of the world laid out. “How much to eat? ” asked the old man. “Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free! ” Peter replied with some exasperation. “Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables? ” the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, “That’s the best part…you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven. ” With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault. If it weren’t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago! ”
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A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for an accountant. His friend asks, “Didn’t your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago? “The businessman replies, “That’s the accountant we’re looking for.”
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“If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up ” said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.”Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot? ” enquired the teacher with a sneer.”Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”
“I can’t find a cause for your illness,” the doctor said. “Frankly, I think it’s due to drinking. “In that case,” replied his blonde patient, “I’ll come back when you are sober.”
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A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country. A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense. A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work. A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him. A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead. A bird in the hand is dead. A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose. A boss with no humor is like a job that is no fun. A clean tie attracts the soup of the day. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
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A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?
It’s crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome.
So, how are you getting there? “We’re taking TWA,” was the reply. “We got a great rate! “TWA? ” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome? “We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott. “That dump! That’s the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, what are doing when you get there? “We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope. “That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it. ”
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.”It was wonderful,” explained the man, “not only were we on time in one of TWA’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel – it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge! “Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the pope. “Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally me et some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me. “Really? ” asked the Barber. “What’d he say? ”
He said, “Where’d you get the lousy haircut?”
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A young man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, “Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job. The man behind the counter replied, “Your timing is amazing. We’ve just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter. You’ll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, but the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided. You will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. The salary package is $200,000 a year. “. The young man said, “You’re bullshitting me, man! ” The man behind the counter said, “Well, you started it! ”
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“Do you believe in life after death? ” the boss asked one of his employees. “Yes, Sir. ” the new recruit replied. “Well, then, that makes everything just fine,” the boss went on. “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you”
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A man buys a brand new Grand Cherokee for $30,000+, and has $400.00+ in monthly payments. He’s pretty proud of this rig and gets ahold of his friend to do some male bonding with the new ride. They go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two Atomic Brains go to the lake with their guns, the dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the ice. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area to attract ducks – something the decoys will float on. Remember it’s all ice, and in order to make a hole large enough to interest a flock of ducks – a hole big enough to entice ducks to land, they needed to use a little more than an ice hole drill… Sooo, out of the back of the brand-new Jeep Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40-second fuse. Now to their credit, these two rocket scientists DID take into consideration that if they placed the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they (and the new Grand Cherokee) would be waiting and ran back quickly, they would risk slipping on the ice as they ran from the imminent explosion and could possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. After a little deliberation, they come up with lighting and THROWING the dynamite, which is what they end up doing. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns AND THE DOG???? Yes, the dog. The driver’s pet Black Lab (used for retrieving – especially things thrown by the owner). You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice, reaching the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice – all to the woe of the two idiots which are now yelling, stomping, waving arms and wondering what the hell to do now… The dog is happy and now heads back toward the “hunters ” with the stick of dynamite. I think we all can picture the ever-increasing concern on the part of the brain trust, as the loyal Labrador Retriever approaches. The Bozos now are REALLY waving their arms – yelling even louder and generally feeling kinda panicked… Now finally one of the guys decides to think – something that neither had done before this moment, grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog. This sounds better than it really is, because the shotgun was loaded with #8 duck shot and hardly effective enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog DID stop for a moment, slightly confused, but then continued on. Another shot, and this time the dog – still standing, became REALLY confused & of course scared… Thinking that these two Nobel Prize Winners have gone TOTALLY INSANE, the pooch takes off to find cover with a now extremely short fuse still burning on the stick of dynamite. The cover the dogs finds? Underneath the brand new Grand Cherokee worth 30-some thousand dollars the $400.00+ monthly payment vehicle that is sitting nearby on the lake ice. BOOM! Dog dies, vehicle sinks to bottom of lake, and these two “Co-Leaders of the Known Universe ” are left standing there with this “I can’t EVEN believe this happened to me ” look on their faces. Later, the owner of the vehicle calls his insurance company and is promptly informed that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT covered on his policy… He had yet to make his first car payment.”
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A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: “My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb. ” “Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses. ” The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.”
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‘I’m very sad to announce this morning, girls, that Miss Jones has decided to retire,’ said the principal at morning assembly. ‘ Now we will all stand and sing this morning’s hymn….now Thank We All Our God.’
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A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large “. Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, ” We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows “. The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, “And what are those “? The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas “?”
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Passengers flying on a PIA Karachi to New York flight heard this announcement from the captain, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean.” The passengers were in a panic about this situation, but were somewhat comforted by the captain’s next announcement. “Ladies and Gentlemen, we at PIA have prepared for such an emergency, and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane, and all the swimmers are on the right side.”
After this announcement, all the passengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain’s request. Two minutes later, the captain made a belly landing in the ocean.
The captain once again made an announcement, “Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane. For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane… “Thank You For Flying PIA.”
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A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were robbing a supermarket when a police officer walked in the store. The three women decide to hide in three potato sacks. The cop kicks the first bag, and the brunette says, “meow “, the cop says, “oh, it’s only a cat “He kicks the second bag, and the redhead says, “woof, woof “. The cop says, “it’s only a dog “. He kicks the third bag, and the blonde says, “Potato.”
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Q: Why did God create man before woman?
A: He didn’t want any advice.

Tags: Humour, Jokes